Autumn, the changing seasons, and my favourite time at the beach. Not for swimming, but to walk along the sands untouched by human feet, to feel the depth of the changing ocean, to sit and stare toward the horizon, remembering, dreaming. Regretting.

Sometimes, I wish for another chance to make the decision. Sometimes, when his sister sits on the rocks and whispers to me of his loneliness and loss, I’m tempted. Temptation is a dangerous thing. It sings in a voice sweeter than storm-tossed salt winds, harsher than tempests threatening the coast. Temptation is what brings me back here, day after day.

In Autumn, though, I am tempted to step into the water, to dive into the deep blue, to open my lungs and let the sea come home.

One day, I will be forgiven. Not by him, not by anyone I hurt. Only I can forgive the choice I made. Only I can know the deepest reason for turning away from a life of joy and plenty for a life that is nothing in comparison.

I sit here, knowing that one day the jobs I’ve done, the humans I’ve manipulated, will make the changes and save my home world, the world below the surface of the true home of the true souls on this blue planet. My people will survive, even though it costs me all I hold dear, all the future of my family’s bloodline.

Better to lose my line than all lines, better to lose love and joy than to lose community, culture, and the hope for a future.

I turn my back on the rolling waves, the whispers of those from home, and return to my task.